Today I had coffee.
According to USA Today about 83% of Americans do too but today was important to me. Maybe only me but important nonetheless. Because today is the first time I took the chance on coffee in three weeks for fear it would make my anxiety worse.
For years I've felt normal. I've felt "okay". I've opened my eyes every morning with nothing in particular on my mind other than my daily routine or remembering the dreams from the night. Then someone flipped a switch and once again my life was disrupted in a mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting way.
What had happened was...someone somehow took it upon themselves to give me generic anxiety medicine (Pristiq) instead of name brand. I knew it was generic. I took it from the bottle every night. It took a month and a half for it to revert my brain back to the way it was 6 years ago. Scared, nervous and confused.
Anxiety isn't a one size fits all thing to have. In MY life it is uncontrollable crying, shaking, racing heart, fear of the worst happening and no appetite. A person can't function like that.
Praise God I have my faith and my family. A mom that left work to just BE with me. A dad that became my shoulder to cry on and my chauffeur. And once again a husband that didn't miss a beat and tried to keep life normal for our kids.
Most people have no idea how long it took me to be "okay" again when this happened the first time. Years. I didn't have to actually take my Xanax but I made sure it was always with me. I waited on the panic to come any time something unplanned happened. I didn't do a lot of things for the fear of a panic attack ruining everyone's good time. I dealt with these issues and more for YEARS until I felt comfortable enough to just live. Like a NORMAL person. And now I've had to start from scratch. Because of a little difference in a little pill.
I'm still waiting for the next panic attack. I still wake up every morning very aware of how I'm feeling. I'm back to keeping my medicine close in case I need it. I'm back to second guessing everything I do and everywhere I go. I plan a way out of everything. I have to learn how to overcome all of this all over again and as much as I know I will, it's still emotionally draining.
So while you may see me as back to normal just know that I won't feel that way again for a very long time. Know that that huge level of confidence I had is now in half. Understand that if I don't want to come to your get together it's nothing personal. I'll be okay eventually. Then simply drinking coffee wont mean so much.
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