The Road Back to Normal...Again

Today I had coffee. 
According to USA Today about 83% of Americans do too but today was important to me. Maybe only me but important nonetheless. Because today is the first time I took the chance on coffee in three weeks for fear it would make my anxiety worse. 

For years I've felt normal. I've felt "okay". I've opened my eyes every morning with nothing in particular on my mind other than my daily routine or remembering the dreams from the night. Then someone flipped a switch and once again my life was disrupted in a mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting way. 

What had happened was...someone somehow took it upon themselves to give me generic anxiety medicine (Pristiq) instead of name brand.  I knew it was generic. I took it from the bottle every night. It took a month and a half for it to revert my brain back to the way it was 6 years ago. Scared, nervous and confused. 

Anxiety isn't a one size fits all thing to have. In MY life it is uncontrollable crying, shaking, racing heart, fear of the worst happening and no appetite. A person can't function like that.  

Praise God I have my faith and my family. A mom that left work to just BE with me. A dad that became my shoulder to cry on and my chauffeur. And once again a husband that didn't miss a beat and tried to keep life normal for our kids. 

Most people have no idea how long it took me to be "okay" again when this happened the first time. Years.  I didn't have to actually take my Xanax but I made sure it was always with me. I waited on the panic to come any time something unplanned happened. I didn't do a lot of things for the fear of a panic attack ruining everyone's good time. I dealt with these issues and more for YEARS until I felt comfortable enough to just live. Like a NORMAL person. And now I've had to start from scratch. Because of a little difference in a little pill. 

I'm still waiting for the next panic attack. I still wake up every morning very aware of how I'm feeling. I'm back to keeping my medicine close in case I need it. I'm back to second guessing everything I do and everywhere I go. I plan a way out of everything.  I have to learn how to overcome all of this all over again and as much as I know I will, it's still emotionally draining. 

So while you may see me as back to normal just know that I won't feel that way again for a very long time. Know that that huge level of confidence I had is now in half. Understand that if I don't want to come to your get together it's nothing personal. I'll be okay eventually.  Then simply drinking coffee wont mean so much. 

If You Don't Appreciate Them...

Think of the last time someone told you what a great job you were doing.  Whatever the task may have been.  Even if it has been years since someone expressed how much they appreciated you, I bet you remember it.  The feeling of someone telling you you're doing well is like no other.

Hardest working amazing man

Since my husband is the working person and I stay home I'm going at this from a housewife point of view.  But it can be a working wife and stay at home dad just as easily. 

When is the last time you thanked your working husband?  When did you last tell him that you appreciate all he does?  Do you think about the heavy burden he carries with him every day?  Have you ever thought of the stress that may go along with knowing you are the sole provider for your family?

Make sure you say thank you.  Show appreciation to the person that possibly leaves for work in the dark and gets home in the dark because of 13 hour days.  Let them know that you are aware of the burden they carry and how grateful you are.  It doesn't have to be anything extravagant.  To FEEL appreciated is sometimes the best gift of all. 

Don't let the days go by letting someone be without this feeling.  Because if YOU don't appreciate them...someone else will.

Why I Fix My Husband A Plate

My husband works 12 hours or more a day.  Five days a week.

 

At this point in our lives I stay at home.  By not working I am saving our family money on child care, lawn service and a lot of other things I'm able to do that would cost more if I weren't doing them.  Staying at home does not make me inferior to my husband.  It does not mean he is the ruler of this house.

I know too many women that are so caught up in equal rights and blah, blah, blah that they forget you still need to be a good wife.  My husband could survive without me.  Your husband could too.  But you should make them not WANT to. 

 

Fixing my husbands plate is the least I can do after he has been gone from home all day.  After he has clocked in before the sun has come out and clocked out when it has already set.  When he carries the financial burden of taking care of this family day after day and never once held it over our heads.  I think he deserves a plate sat in front of him. 

That Moment I Wanted to Fight a Kid

This weekend my little girl was called fat.  My 7 year old, heart as big as Texas, sassy little girl.  By a random little girl at the park that was also kind enough to flip her the bird after saying it.  I was not there.  She was with a friend.  Which is likely the only reason I'm writing this from my couch and not jail. 

When she told me about what happened she tried to be cool about it.  Like it bothered her but she was having an "oh well" attitude about it.  Ain't foolin' me kid.  I'm a girl too.  Those words stick and I know it. 

This is very likely bothering me more than her.  I was that crazy girl crying in the middle of the gym this morning telling my girlfriends about it.  I can not get it off my brain.

We are a family that eats healthy and focuses a lot on fitness.   We pay attention to our weight and we try to live a healthy lifestyle in general.  In doing that we also make our kids eat healthy. HOWEVER, don't think they are deprived.  We have chips.  We go get ice cream and have cookies.  It's just not something we have on a daily basis.

I have let the kids know the things that aren't good for you and the things that are.  I struggle DAILY with the delivery of my health message to them.  I wonder if they will have food problems later on in life.  What will they tell Dr. Phil?  That I didn't give them enough ice cream or hold them enough as a baby?  And it's all my fault they went away to college and binge ate and became 500lbs?  I know that sounds crazy but I've watched the shows on TLC. 

I don't know exactly what I'm doing here!  I don't know if we are doing this parent thing right but I hope so. 

Kids can be mean.  And girls especially.  Can we just make a promise to one another as moms that we'll teach our kids to not be the mean girl?  Can we tell them how important it is to pick the kid first that always gets picked last?  That picking on the skinny girl is JUST AS BAD as picking on the heavy girl? 

I'm not a snuggly, cuddly mom.  I don't expect everyone to be nice to my kids all the time.  I know they will get their feelings hurt and they will get their hearts broken and all that stuff.  That's what helps them grow as a person.  I very much get that.  And no matter how hard we try, our kids are going to be that asshole kid sometimes.  So when that's the case, let's promise to teach them a lesson from their asshole way!  And just maybe there will be enough nice kids to help that not-so-nice kid want to change their ways. 

ANXIETY: YOU ARE NOT ALONE

 

There was nothing at all different about this day than any other except I had drank an entire pot of coffee. So I blamed my uncontrollable shaking on that. Then I couldn't get my first client to stop talking and noticed my heart racing to go along with my shakes. Then I felt sick so I excused myself and went to the restroom. Then I lost it. And still haven't found it all. 

Anxiety hit me out of nowhere and I had a continuous panic attack that day that made me shake, cry and feel sick. I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I was going to die. And part of me did. 

FINDING A DOCTOR
I went to every single doctor that would see me. But the one I NEEDED to see wasn't available for months. I couldn't live like this for months or even weeks. I needed help and the quickest way was to be committed to a "mental hospital". I wasn't that far gone.  I wasn't going to hurt myself or anyone else.  I just wanted to be better.  I just. Wanted. Help. Know what happens if you call your doctor all the time and bug them?  Suddenly an appointment opens up!

WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?
Still don't know. There's not a single thing I can blame my sudden anxiety on. I had and still have and amazing life. Great kids, damn near perfect husband, supportive family. I had a good job with great coworkers. Normal childhood with nothing traumatic. There was not a single reason for this.  I tried to find something to blame it on but there was just nothing. 

DEPRESSION
Oh! Did you know that when you have so much anxiety that you can't even drive your car and have to take a leave of absence from work that you get depressed?!  I found out through experience and spent almost a month on my couch wasting away. Life was going on around me and I was just trying to make it through day by day. 

WEIGHT
Some people stress eat. That wasn't the case for me. It took me an entire day to eat a bowl of chicken noodle soup. I would get on the scale and PRAY I didn't lose any more weight. I am 5'5" and I weighed 115lbs and was in a size 0. I looked gross. But I couldn't eat. 

MY PEOPLE
I had (and still have) a select few people I would go places with. I always need my own car so I can leave if I want to. I don't like being trapped. My worst fear is suddenly having a panic attack and ruining everyone's good time. But those people I know are there for me would never hold that against me. They are my people. 

ADDICTION
I watch Intervention. I see how people get addicted to pills and I was so worried I would get addicted to Xanax. The doctor had me taking 1mg three times a day. If I didn't take it then I would just cry. Uncountably and continuously. Xanax was keeping me from losing it. The best advice I heard at the time was from my dad. He said "If you get addicted we will do whatever we have to do to get you off them. But for now listen to the doctor and take what you're supposed to."  Another example of "my people". He made me feel safe. 

OVERCOMING
I was determined to feel better. I wasn't going to give up. I had to get better. For my kids. For my husband that never skipped a beat. He handled business while I dealt with this shit. I ended up quitting my job. Taking my kids out of daycare. And dealing with life a day at a time. I take anxiety medicine every day. And if I have to for the rest of my life I will do that just to be able to enjoy it. I would rather live 15 more years happy than 20 more with anxiety. 

NOW
As of now I still get anxious.  Usually about silly things.  Going to a new place.  Taking a vacation.  A sudden change in my schedule.  But now I can reason with myself.  I realize that if something makes me uncomfortable or I don't feel well I can leave.  I am an adult and I can go home and no one can stop me.  The feeling is less and less but I do rely on God a lot.  He has never failed me.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Do you hear me? YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  There are so many people that deal with this. Some are embarrassed to tell you. Some think it means something is wrong with them. I'm here to tell you that sharing my struggles had people reaching out to me like crazy. And I'm reaching out to you. Your mind has to be made up that you WANT to live a happy life. And you do whatever it takes to get yourself there. And just know you're not alone.