Anxiety hit me out of nowhere and I had a continuous panic attack that day that made me shake, cry and feel sick. I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I was going to die. And part of me did.
FINDING A DOCTOR
I went to every single doctor that would see me. But the one I NEEDED to see wasn't available for months. I couldn't live like this for months or even weeks. I needed help and the quickest way was to be committed to a "mental hospital". I wasn't that far gone. I wasn't going to hurt myself or anyone else. I just wanted to be better. I just. Wanted. Help. Know what happens if you call your doctor all the time and bug them? Suddenly an appointment opens up!
WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?
Still don't know. There's not a single thing I can blame my sudden anxiety on. I had and still have and amazing life. Great kids, damn near perfect husband, supportive family. I had a good job with great coworkers. Normal childhood with nothing traumatic. There was not a single reason for this. I tried to find something to blame it on but there was just nothing.
DEPRESSION
Oh! Did you know that when you have so much anxiety that you can't even drive your car and have to take a leave of absence from work that you get depressed?! I found out through experience and spent almost a month on my couch wasting away. Life was going on around me and I was just trying to make it through day by day.
WEIGHT
Some people stress eat. That wasn't the case for me. It took me an entire day to eat a bowl of chicken noodle soup. I would get on the scale and PRAY I didn't lose any more weight. I am 5'5" and I weighed 115lbs and was in a size 0. I looked gross. But I couldn't eat.
MY PEOPLE
I had (and still have) a select few people I would go places with. I always need my own car so I can leave if I want to. I don't like being trapped. My worst fear is suddenly having a panic attack and ruining everyone's good time. But those people I know are there for me would never hold that against me. They are my people.
ADDICTION
I watch Intervention. I see how people get addicted to pills and I was so worried I would get addicted to Xanax. The doctor had me taking 1mg three times a day. If I didn't take it then I would just cry. Uncountably and continuously. Xanax was keeping me from losing it. The best advice I heard at the time was from my dad. He said "If you get addicted we will do whatever we have to do to get you off them. But for now listen to the doctor and take what you're supposed to." Another example of "my people". He made me feel safe.
OVERCOMING
I was determined to feel better. I wasn't going to give up. I had to get better. For my kids. For my husband that never skipped a beat. He handled business while I dealt with this shit. I ended up quitting my job. Taking my kids out of daycare. And dealing with life a day at a time. I take anxiety medicine every day. And if I have to for the rest of my life I will do that just to be able to enjoy it. I would rather live 15 more years happy than 20 more with anxiety.
NOW
As of now I still get anxious. Usually about silly things. Going to a new place. Taking a vacation. A sudden change in my schedule. But now I can reason with myself. I realize that if something makes me uncomfortable or I don't feel well I can leave. I am an adult and I can go home and no one can stop me. The feeling is less and less but I do rely on God a lot. He has never failed me.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Do you hear me? YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are so many people that deal with this. Some are embarrassed to tell you. Some think it means something is wrong with them. I'm here to tell you that sharing my struggles had people reaching out to me like crazy. And I'm reaching out to you. Your mind has to be made up that you WANT to live a happy life. And you do whatever it takes to get yourself there. And just know you're not alone.
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